Guest Column: Pigskin-ema Classics

by MoMo
Style and Culture Writer, Blatant Homerism

Sometimes, genres mix together to form some of God’s finest creations. Take Jackie Chan and Hollywood, where comedy and karate collide. Remember SummerSlam 1991? Randy “Macho Man” Savage married Miss Elizabeth in one of the greatest combo ploys of Vince McMahon’s career: “Match Made in Heaven, Match Made in Hell.”OOOOHHH YEEEEAAAA!

College football has created some of the greatest story lines in the history of cinema. How can anyone forget the 1991 comedic classic Necessary Roughness? This is the epic tale of 36-year-old quarterback Paul Blake (played by Scott Bakula), who comes out of nowhere to lead the Texas State Armadillos to a lackluster season where they only win one game. A monumental win during the final game salvages this ragtag group's season, proving that in college football, no dream is too big.

Plus, this movie is notable for being the launching pad for two of my favorite actors, Sinbad and Rob Schneider. Verne Lundquist and Ron Franklin couldn't hold the jock of little Robbie Schneider in his portrayal of local broadcaster Chuck Neiderman.

(In the movie, the fictional Texas State University plays a football game against the real Southwest Texas State University. In 2003, Southwest Texas State University changed its name to Texas State University. The fictional Texas State University team in NR was filmed at the University of North Texas….WHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT??? So, if I understand this correctly, the fictional Texas State University, which is located in San Marcos in real life, plays its games in Denton, where North Texas is located in real life. The fictional Texas State plays the fictional Southwest Texas State in NR. However, in real life, Southwest Texas State University changed its real name to Texas State University, thus making the fictional 1991 football game between Texas State and Southwest Texas State an impossibility. One team cannot play itself.)

Another classic college football movie is Rudy. This 1993 hit is proof that anything is possible if you believe in yourself. Regardless of the size of the physical body, there is no measurement for the size of one’s heart. The central message of Rudy did not fall on deaf ears. Sean Astin carried over this timeless theme to his portrayal of Sam Wise Gamgee, who carried his longtime companion Frodo up the torrid trails of Mount Doom. Clearly, this is a metaphor for a football player singlehandedly carrying his team on his back to victory in a hostile environment.

The Adam Sandler classic The Waterboy also has a powerful central theme that resonates throughout the entire movie. Our boy Rob Schneider is back: “YOU CAN DO IT!”

People love college football for many reasons. I love college football for the movies that it inspires. From Scott Bakula throwing the winning touchdown to Rob Schneider’s hilariously funny quote (really, it never gets old, and neither does Robert) to Sean Astin's portrayal of a football-playing dwarf, college football makes the world and cinema a better place!

(One “extra point:” Go back to Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Somehow Billy the Kid and Socrates are playing football in the middle ages, and Socrates is throwing a perfect spiral. How is this possible? Does Hollywood really think we wouldn’t notice how ridiculous it is that two people who have never seen a football and have no mental concept of a football would be able to run crossing routes and throw a perfect spiral, as if it becomes second nature with 10 minutes of practice? Like sand in the hour glass, these are days of our lives.)